i am a work in progress–and that’s okay

Sometimes I forget that I’m only fourteen. Every day I see people in their twenties, sometimes older, on Instagram and YouTube who seem to be much more put-together than I am. And when I see them, all figured out, I wonder why my life isn’t like that, why I don’t look like them, why I feel like a mess compared to them.

But they are ten years older than me. They have gone through much more than I have and can live their lives the way they want. I am nowhere near where they are. I will be, someday, but I have to remember that I am still learning and growing.

I believe that anyone can achieve their dreams. But I also know that it takes time. I am tired of trying to live up to this expectation that these people–unbeknownst to them–have set up for me. I am barely a bud of a person, and they are a blossoming flower. I have an entire life ahead of me to find out who I am and what I want.

I made this post to let people know that it’s okay to be a work in progress. It’s okay to be unsure of where you’ll be in five years. We all are, no matter our age. And if you are feeling stressed out because you don’t know what’s going on, just go with it.

(Honestly, I just wanted to use a TØP gif.)

do you feel like a work in progress? are you okay with that? and do you have any people you look up to who seem to have it all figure out? have a wonderful day, loves.

꒰⌯͒•ɷ•⌯͒꒱ฅ

-jupe

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my insecurities

i have insecurities

I mean, don’t we all? There are entire companies based off of our flaws. So I decided to combat this and embrace my flaws. Using my camera that is not cooperating, I photographed my insecurities so that I can show them to you guys, and then tell you why I actually like them!

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MY NOSE

I really dislike my nose. I think it’s too big and it has a bump on it. It is just oddly shaped and I wish it was smaller. BUT I do like it. In reality, it suits my face. It is my nose–no one else has one like it–so it is purely me.

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MY MESSY HAIR AND EYEBROWS

*shows off new mermaid  hair*

This picture shows two of my insecurities: my eyebrows and hair. First off, my eyebrows are very light-colored and hardly there. I feel like I can’t do anything with them. Also they have lots of stray hairs that are not typically beautiful. But I like their shape and the little flyaways. They fit my face.

Then we have my hair that doesn’t want to work with me! As you can see, it is supposed to be parted but some of the hair is rebelling. I try to put product in it but it usually just goes back. However, I like this messy look and it works well with my aesthetic and face.

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MY HANDS/FINGERS

They are little boy hands. I bite my fingernails so they are short and stubby and I mess up my cuticles. Also, they have bumps and are very reddish pink. Sometimes they turn blue or purplish. And they are crooked. But I try to look like a little boy basically! And when they turn odd colors I can scare people and/or convince them that I am superhuman.

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MY FEET

I didn’t go too close up on these buddies because a) my camera is messed up and b) I don’t want to gross you out! They are really disgusting because they have a disease thing. Basically it just makes my toe nails weird and stuck out with dead skin and gross stuff and they’re kinda itchy. I have had people tell me that they are strange and nasty and am asked if it’s contagious while the person backs away. But they are my feet. They let me walk. And maybe they’ll be cured someday.

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MY THIGHS

For some reason I decided to take the picture with jeans on? Idk? Anyway, although I am seen as thin, I really hate my thighs. They are big and smash together and while I have a tiny gap when I stand up, I really dislike to see them when I sit down. What I like about them, though, is that they work. They are not particularly strong, but they help me run in tennis and just move in every day life.

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MY BELLY

I know that all AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth) peoples are supposed to have a little belly pouch for our organs and all that stuff, but I can’t help but succumb to the notion that we have to have no belly. I don’t have abs and it is just sticking out. Like I said, though, it holds my organs! I have a hella cute outie belly button, too.

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MY STRETCH MARKS

(I’m sorry about the bad photo. My camera hates me tbh. If you look hard you can see them.)

These are permanent white lines on the back-ish of my thighs from puberty. Where my hips are. They remind me that I have hips, and that adds to my dysphoria. :)))) They are not exactly attractive. But they show that I am human, that I have the battle scars of entering young adulthood.

Photo on 3-11-16 at 8.20 PM

MY NECK SKIN THING

(I had to use my webcam for this. Biggest apologies. Also can we just admire my great facial expression.)

I have this weird flab of skin under my chin that prevents me from having a bomb jawline which I envy on so many people. It’s saggy and weird. (How can I remove it??) I guess it keeps me warm in the winter…and protects my insides and stuff? But it makes me me!

thanks for reading! tell me in the comments, do you have insecurities? what are they? and can you learn to love them? as always, have a wonderful day, loves.

꒰⌯͒•ɷ•⌯͒꒱ฅ

-jupe

the infinity dreams award

I’ve been tagged in my first award on this blog! Thank you to the lovely Evi for tagging me. :)

Rules:

  • Use the Infinity Dreams Award picture
  • Thank the blogger who tagged you
  • Tell us 11 facts about yourself
  • Answer the 11 questions
  • Tag 11 bloggers

eleven facts about me

  1. I really like flower crowns. Like, a lot. I tried one on a in store recently and *love*
  2. I am obsessed with pop punk music. Some of my favorite bands are Neck Deep, Speak Low If You Speak Love, Major League, State Champs, and This Wild Life.
  3. I am a Slytherin! And so proud.
  4. I am currently watching The Office on Netflix and Jim is my spirit animal actually. He is the best.
  5. One of my favorite lyrics of all time is “Say life has lost its meaning/that’s true if you believe it/but someday you will stand above your demons” from the song “Gold Steps” by Neck Deep.
  6. I am emotionally fragile. *laughs and then starts crying*
  7. One of my household chores is to put the recycling on the road every Tuesday night. (Oh my god that sounds so boring.)
  8. I have a cat named Mattie who I love dearly. <3
  9. I love cats too much.
  10. I am currently very confused about my romantic orientation which is SO FUN OML.
  11. I am an awkward human.

questions from evi

What are you currently working on? Writing, artwork, musically, etc. Current WIP?

I am writing a fanfic and posting it on Ao3 which you can read here. I am also plotting a novel and write occasional poetry. Mostly I just flail.

What are you currently reading?

The Sin Eater’s Daughter by Melinda Salisbury.

Most interesting past revelation?

I don’t really know tbh…

Current phone/computer backgrounds?

Well my computer has three different backgrounds that change every fifteen minutes. They’re all inspirational things. And my phone is a screenshot of one of my alpacas from the game Alpaca World. Which you should get because alpacas.

If you were in the medieval era, who would you like to think you would be? (Peasant, farmer, queen/king, knight, etc.)

Obviously I would be a prince.

Favorite outdoor scenery?

Mountains, ocean, forests–anything I can take a photo of that looks pretty.

Favorite season?

Winter or autumn. But where I live autumn is really warm and this winter has been warm too, like, whatttt. I like the cold.

Favorite thing about the outdoors?

That I can take pretty pictures of it. :)

What fantasy/bookish landscape would you like to live in? (Hogwarts, Narnia, Bag End, etc.)

WATFORD. Or Hogwarts. But past Watford would be amazing because Simon Snow. And Baz. And Penny and Agatha.

Castles or skyscrapers?

Castles, because I am a prince. Preferably one far away from people with lots of cats and cake.

Favorite color?

Periwinkle. It’s so pretty.

I honestly have no clue who to tag, so I just won’t….Haha I’m great.

thank you again to evi for tagging me. feel free to answer these questions, too! have a wonderful day, loves.

꒰⌯͒•ɷ•⌯͒꒱ฅ

-jupe

women are people, too

(Savannah Brown is a wonderful YouTuber. She is witty and articulate and fashionable, and one of my favorite YouTubers to watch. A video she recently made inspired this post. You can watch that video here.)

Our entire lives we have been surrounded with the messages that women and girls are not enough. They are not strong enough, pretty enough, smart enough, quirky enough, cool enough–I could go on forever. They are expected to be these perfect creatures who serve men. And while this may seem a bit extreme, take a look around; it’s not far from the truth.

There are also many stereotypes about women that are believed. That they’re weak, not as capable as doing things men do, dumb, and all have the same personality. They’re all supposed to wear makeup–but not too much, because then it’s “false advertising”–and enjoy dressing up and have no hair on their bodies and be crazy about guys.

But most women don’t fit this stereotype. Women are so much more complex than these simple personality traits that keep them boxed in to sexist ideals. And if they don’t fit this stereotype, then they are rejected by society until they change, or a man changes them. Additionally, when women reject this stereotype, they may say things along the lines of “I’m not like other girls.”

I have fallen into this trap. I rejected all things feminine. I hung out with guys and didn’t care about my appearance. I saw the girls at my school who were girly as stupid and monsters. I didn’t realize that femininity can be empowering–it IS empowering.

The phrase “I’m not like other girls” is problematic for many reasons. First of all, it perpetuates the stereotype about other girls. When people hear it, they just assume that those “other girls” are ditzy and dumb and weak. Which they’re not! Even the girls who seem to fit this stereotype are more than the few words used to describe them. That’s the really interesting thing about humans: we’re all so complicated and unique that any words in any language cannot completely describe us. We are known by the way our eyes crinkle at the sides when we laugh and the way we hold ourselves on the worst days and the things we think when no one’s listening.

Another reason is that the girl who is rejecting the stereotypes is internalizing that being a stereotypical female is bad, and that the stereotype is the only way to be feminine. Femininity is not just one thing; it is not just the color pink and makeup and long blonde hair. It can be anything for different women and girls. It can be interpreted in so many different ways. One girl may feel feminine when she wears razor-sharp winged eyeliner and tight, glittery skirts. Another girl may feel feminine when she wears baggy clothing and no makeup.

In literature and film, we usually see these four archetypes of girls:

The Nerd: She reads books and does well in school. Doesn’t wear particularly fashionable clothing. Has glasses and wears her hair in a ponytail. But when she takes off her glasses and puts her hair down, is beautiful.

The Mean Girl: Popular. Blonde. Throws shade. Has a hot boyfriend. Cheerleader.

The Mystery: Listens to alternative music. Unconventionally pretty. Somehow is friends with the popular girls. Probably idolized. Think Margot Roth Spiegelman from Paper Towns.

The Strong One: Really badass. Cold to everyone. Hot. Physically strong.

These girls don’t exist. We need to wakeup and realize this. We need complex girls, real girls. Like I said before, girls are so complicated. They are all different and a mix of all these traits. They have their own lives and internal struggles. They are not perfect.

what are your thoughts on femininity and saying “i’m not like other girls”? do you ahem any personal experience with this? have a wonderful day, loves.

꒰⌯͒•ɷ•⌯͒꒱ฅ

-jupe

poc mermaids, no romo, and other things i want to see in ya fiction

I really love books. I love them so much. Give me all the books. However, as much as I love them and the authors that write them, I feel like the book universe could really expand and add to their fabulousness. I compiled a list of topics that I want to see in books, specifically Young Adult.

Mermaids I am fascinated by ocean-y things, and people with tails? Seems legit. I’ve read a few mermaid books, but I just want more. Especially mermaid diversity! Where my mermaids of color at? What about queer mermaids? Nonbinary mermaids? There are so many options. Mermaids with special powers, mermaids battling social justice issues, mermaids that work undercover for the FBI. I could go on forever, I think.

Asexual and aromantic characters I’ve never read a book featuring an ace or aro character. (I’m trying to write one, but it’s slow going…) Aro and ace representation is so important in books. Most people don’t know what it is, and if we can incorporate it into characters, more people will know about it. Also, romance seems to always be expected in books, even when it’s completely irrelevant. In the middle of a battle against the corrupt government? Perfect time for a romantic relationship! It’s been getting on my nerves recently and I just want to read some no romo books, to be perfectly honest. I want two aro/ace friends who fight injustice and just eat pie. No romo.

Outer space-y things Space fascinates me. Who knows what’s out there? Aliens? Giant pizza slices? Alternate universes? Who knows. There are so many possibilities, which means so many topics to write about! And even though some of them may defy laws of physics, it’s fiction. Who cares if you defy physics? I haven’t really read a book about space. Maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places… But yes! Space! It’s cool. We should write about it more.

Badass princesses I love to bridge the gap between badassery and femininity. Because they can totally coexist! In the same person! That’s probably why I love Elsa from Frozen so much. She has awesome ice powers and wears pretty dresses. It’s the best combination. I want to see more of this in YA fiction. And MG, too, because little girls need to know that it’s okay to like pink and enjoy battling monsters. Which reminds me of Izzy from The Mortal Instruments. She is so cool. Anyway, just more girly badassnes.

thanks for reading my post! do you have any recommendations of books that incorporate these themes? what do you want to see in ya fiction? are you going to see pride and prejudice and zombies? have a wonderful day, loves.

꒰⌯͒•ɷ•⌯͒꒱ฅ

-jupe

elmosolyodni: a playlist

I believe that everyone deserves to be happy and that it is always possible to find light, even in what seems like utter darkness. I want to spread this message to those who need to hear it most. One of the ways that light and good vibes are communicated to us is through music. I have compiled a playlist of songs that I like and that put me in a good mood, or inspire me to do or feel better.

The playlist is titled Elmosolyodni which means “to slowly break out into a genuine smile when being overcome with emotions, like love or utter happiness.”

(I have the weirdest range in music, btw.)

All of these songs can be found on Spotify. I made this a playlist on my account, so feel free to follow me (my username is thebookhugger) and follow this playlist!

i love you – alex and sierra

pictures in the sand – false puppet

light the night – jule vera

no more bad days – this wild life

losing teeth – neck deep

the light behind your eyes – my chemical romance

what doesn’t kill you (stronger) (glee cast version) – glee cast

scars to your beautiful – alessia cara

standing by – pentatonix

gold steps – neck deep

mind over matter (acoustic) – pvris

around the world and back – state champs

i got you – cimorelli

today – willamette stone

guns for hands – twenty one pilots

we’re taking over – bea miller

simple existence (acoustic version) – state champs

fight song – rachel platten

shut up and dance – walk the moon

never gonna let you down – colbie caillat

bright – echosmith

confusion – speak low if you speak love

Some of these are debatable as “happy songs” I guess, but they make me feel something.

꒰⌯͒•ɷ•⌯͒꒱ฅ

-jupe

the color of your eyes: a poem

lately i’ve been thinking

about priorities

and who i’d take a bullet for

who i’d kill

who i’d die for.

i’ve been thinking

about what’s real

and what’s made-up

like fairy tales

and what emotions really are and

how i’ve gotten this far

on an empty feeling.

because the sky isn’t always blue

and you’re not always there for me

even on the best days

i choose who to sit next to

and who to ignore.

i know i’m not making sense

just gotta get it out

because it seems like my world is crashing down

and if there’s one thing left

it’s the people i would take a bullet for.

the usual list

pops into mind

of the people i would wake up at five am

with no reason for.

there’s the girl with red hair

and the boy who says my name wrong

and somewhere in the middle

is the person

sometimes

i call home.

but really

who would it be

if they asked me to spill some blood

in their name

i don’t think it would be the same every time

just like i rhyme

without noticing

and the sky turns orange.

there are some people

i used to take a bullet for

but in the end

if i heard a trigger

i’d shove them in front of me

because the real question is

who has more potential?

i know

when i see your face

a veces

that i would stand

in front of a train,

a grenade,

all that

just so you could live.

maybe i’m empty

maybe i’m broken

cuz i don’t get the same feeling

anymore.

under this beanie

i’m only fourteen

which seems a little young to settle this

but i still think about it

every day.

the sky turns gray

most days,

and the grass grows yellow

and really

is anyone happy?

and we talk about bullets

and knives on our skin

but we’re all plastic

oh dear

nothing’s real

admit it

the yellow grass

is burnt to a crisp

and someone decides

the color of the sky

and some feelings don’t have words

because they were meant to be

left alone

when all they do is leave us

feeling alone.

i know the color of your eyes

is murky ocean water

left to bake in the sun

and your favorite color is black

and you play guitar

but don’t write lyrics

just melodies

and i don’t know

if i’d take a bullet for you.

this short idea

i had

has turned into a philosophical

monologue

i’m sorry.

i have so many words

so little time

but time doesn’t exist

we’re all part of this fluid mess

and we’ve tried to make sense of it

by counting how many times

we revolve around a star

or something like that

i’m not an astronomer

that’s probably wrong

ignore me.

but don’t!

will you take a bullet for me?

will you sit on a rooftop

with wind in our hair

and tell me you’re sorry

for humanity’s wrongs?

because i know you can’t stand to see me cry

and i hurt for you

when you hurt yourself.

i’d take a bullet for you…

i think.

i’m sorry.

it’s hard to decide.

i guess we’ll just have to see

how it plays out

when there’s a gunman in the room

but let’s be reasonable

this entire thought

is just an argument

about who to keep in my life

and for now

it’s you.

I write poetry a lot. It’s a way to get my emotions out quickly. It’s beautiful and graceful and fast.

The poem you just read was inspired by a line in Will Grayson, Will Grayson, a wonderful book everyone should read. It made me question if the people in my life are ones I want to keep around. I would love feedback, so leave a comment if you have some constructive criticism or just a nice comment.

꒰⌯͒•ɷ•⌯͒꒱ฅ

-jupe